The REAL story of the Pevensie children: A Parody
by Miss-EvilKanevil
Summary: What the children are really like: Peter has femininity issues, Susan is hated by everyone, Edmund is just totally clumsy and Lucy's a homicidal maniac. Just really random stuff in other words. R and R and if you like it I'll post more chapters.
1. Chainsaws Versus Mallets

THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA

The one when they all go to the magic place through the furniture thingy

_The logo of Walt Disney is illuminated by the star. Sadly though, it flies to low and crashes into the Disney castle. Flames and smoke obliterate the screen._

Scene 1.

_Bombs drop ect._

Meanwhile 13 year old Edmund Pevensie is trying to have staring contests with the Germans in the planes; however, his mother stops him with "Edmund! What did I tell you! The Nazis will never be able to bomb Flanders' house when there concentrating on you! PETER! THE SHELTER!!

Enters Peter, who tries to pull Edmund away from the window, they run off stage. There is a crashing sound followed by Yells such as "I say Ed! Watch out for the randomly placed Cactus plant!" (YOOOOWWWWWCCCHHH!!!) And "I say Ed! Do be careful of the extra-concentrated Sulphuric acid that just happens to be in front of us!" (OW MY-!)

"WATCH OUT FOR THE GIANT PIANO!!!" (THUMP! BASH! DOOIIINNNGGGGGG!!!)

Meanwhile, Susan finds sweet, innocent, 9 year old Lucy, who is in the middle of watching a boxing match on a Sony TV. She is yelling cute innocent things like "FOR GODS SAKE! PUNCH HARDER! SMASH HIS FACE IN!! TEAR THE SPINAL TISSUE! AIM FOR THE WINDPIPE YOU BAR-"

"Lucy come on!" she dragged Lucy away, who was now biting her sister's hands in a desperate attempt to stay with the beloved T.V. They headed for the shelter.

By this time, Peter and Edmund are arguing, and as you do, have gotten hold of huge chainsaws and mallets and are attempting to settle things.

"You're fat!" Edmund yelled across the room

"Your name sucks!" Peter replied

"WELL!" (long pause) "you're a little fairy-boy!"

For a while, Peter was speechless, and then with great effort he forced his incredulous face to his brother's. "What did you s-?"

Susan who was fighting the losing battle of keeping the peace "Please don't argue!"

Edmund and Peter: WHY NOT?

"Just trying to help!" she replied, a reproachful note in her voice

"Can we get on n-?" asked Lucy

"SHUT UP!" yelled Susan, Edmund and Peter.

"FINE! I'll show you!" Glaring at them, she whispered into Peter's ear, his eyes widened suddenly.

"EDMUND! WHAT DID YOU SAY ABOUT MY HAIR?!!"

"Oh crap……"Edmund gulped and hastily tried to run for it while Peter puffed himself up furiously." FOR THE LAST TIME IT'S A MULLET! - "

"EVERYONE...SHUT UP!!!!"

It was Susan. Everyone immediately froze and turned to look at her, Peter who is about to hit Edmund with a mallet….Edmund who is about to him in the groin area and Lucy who was about to throw a hand grenade.

"Erm, Lucy, where'd you get a hand-grenade from??" asked the cameraman sounding as if he'd rather not know. Lucy just quickly muttered a denial while trying to kick her "Mini Murder-kit (For all your homicidal needs)" behind a chair.

"This is really immature, "said Susan in her grown up voice. "Everyone stop it and get back to character."

Peter and Edmund hurriedly apologised and, after checking that the air-raids were over, left the shelter, Lucy however, checked no one was looking, and then pocketed Peter's dropped mallet.


	2. The Battle of the Directors

**(A.N. Sorry, forgot to put this last time, please don't hit me cowers. Ahem, anyway, I would just like to say thank you for reading the last chapter and I hope you liked it. Read and review if you wish, constructive criticism is always welcome as well as praise. I'll stop rambling now, and say I hope you like this chapter.)**

Peter looked gloomily at the sign ("Caution-this sign has sharp edges") as his mother smoothed his sister's coat down.

"Are you warm enough Lu-Lucy?!" What have I told you about carrying knives?"

"It's only a small one!" Lucy begged. Her mother smiled adoringly at her. "Anyway", she reasoned "how am I supposed to defend myself when Edmund attacks me?

""What the hell? I never attack her-I mean…." He had caught Andrew, the director, who was glaring at him and so was Lucy, which was rather worrying "I always attack Lucy..."

"You will listen to the director won't you Edmund?" asked his mother (Helen) anxiously

"No"

"Well that's good enough for me. Lucy you may keep the knife, but don't let the extras, I mean guards see you with it."

"Of course not mummy." she replied innocently then lowering her voice to a series of incoherent mutterings "though of course I don't need the silly little knife when I have an air rifle stuffed in my teddy bear….."

"You will listen to your brother won't you Edmund?"

"Nope"

"Meh, sorry Peter I tried"

"No you didn't!" cried Peter who looked like he was about eat his own foot in frustration, "you didn't even-!"

"Oh look there's the train!" Helen cried pointing behind them, "Bye kids!"

The four children turned towards the empty track "Oh come off it Mum," Susan laughed as she turned back "It's not here for 5 min-" she broke off as she saw that Helen was already at the station door.

They all sat in a dejected circle, and then Edmund broke the silence, "Hey! You know what song would really go with this moment..?"

_5 minutes later_

"-And where the F's our f train? London underground…….."

Then at last the train came into view……gleaming, scarlet steam engine

"Hey is this me...or does this train look famil -"

"SSSHHHSS EDMUND!"

"Well it does!" said Edmund, pleased with himself for having noticed it and not willing to let the idea go "Sheesh…you thought the studio's budget would've been better…"

They all piled onto the train. A whistle sounded….and it was gone.

For a while, silence reigned over the station…then suddenly a huge roar of noise as the parents whooped and high-fived each other….broken only when the train suddenly came rushing back in, in which they all hurriedly brought out their sodden handkerchiefs and attempted to look miserable and distraught again.

The driver stuck his head out of the window. "Sorry folks! Ran outta gas!"

The train is quietly chuffing away, and inside chaos reigns. Every now and then, one of the child's suitcase would fall off the luggage rack and on top of one of them,(usually Edmund who is the clumsiest) not to mention Lucy's teddy bear, which keeps, doing strange things, like blowing holes in the windows when it bumps something, and such (but they didn't mind to much, when it managed to murder the ticket collector, (which if it hadn't, things could've gotten difficult, with the fact that Ed had actually managed to accidentally eat the tickets, which were in the same bag as the sandwiches, so they just rolled the ticket collector's body under the seats and whistled innocently when the guards walked past.)

Then of course there's the strange white letters that keep appearing and disappearing, and say words like : THE CHRONINLES OF NARNIA: THE ONE WHEN THEY ALL GO TO THE MAGIC PLACE THROUGH THE FURNITURE THINGY and such.

Then suddenly, the compartment door opened, to reveal.

"Hey, Ron," Whispered the bespectacled teenager to the red-head. "Didn't we say no extras?"

"EXTRAS??" Yelled Peter furiously who rose to his feet, managing to bang his head on the luggage rack in the process, "WE'RE THE MAIN CHARACTERS!"

"Yeah sure…" sneered the red haired kid-called-Ron "Like any main character would have such a lousy hair-cut as that..."

Peter felt as if he had been stabbed. That was the second time this week his mullet had been insulted!

"Easy for you to say you Ginger!" shouted Susan who had managed to receive Peter's distress signals and was eager to join in the fight.

"S-shut up!" stammered Ron who was just as sensitive as Peter was when it came to his hair.

"Yeah! Leave Rupert's hair outta this!"

"Be quiet four-eyes!"

Everyone turned to look at Edmund who had just uttered the last comment. Edmund just blinked, "What?"

"Ummm, Ed you just said the lousiest insult ever…" muttered Peter

"Oh and "ginger" isn't??"

"No!" said Ron tearfully, "It really hurt my feelings"

"Thanks a lot! You just ruined Rupert's acting there!" yelled David, director of Harry Potter 5, as he rushed over to pat the back of ginger who was now sobbing into the other boy's shoulder

"Hey you! We were here first!" cried Andrew, who put down the megaphone and strolled over towards director, who was now rolling his sleeves up.

"Were not!" cried David

"Were to!" screeched Andrew

"Were not!"

"To!"

"Not"

"To!"

"Not"

This was too much for the directors, who leapt towards each other and started the business director's call, umm, "Trying to kill one another"

Meanwhile, something very strange was happening to Lucy, Edmund noticed this first and hurriedly tapped Susan and Peter on the shoulder. He pointed to the corner where Lucy sat; she was twitching frantically and frothing at the mouth.

"What's going on??" hissed Edmund

"Don't you remember? This is what happens when Lucy is trying to refrain from ripping people apart with her bare hands," replied Susan, who for her tone of voice might've been talking about the weather, "it just her getting a little over excited, that's all"

Lucy's hand reached towards her pocket-

"No!!" cried Peter, who knew his sister well enough that if she ever happened to be reaching for something in her pocket, it wasn't likely to be sweets. "LUCY! RESTRAIN YOURSELF! WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T THROW THAT-"

Too late. She casually flicked a small object into the scuffling directors and over Ron's sobbing head…

BOOOOOM!

"-Hand grenade..."finished Peter weakly.

A silence…then

"Hey everyone! Rupert's stopped crying!"

Indeed he had. An expression of shock had taken over his face. But his long red hair was unbelievably singed.

"HAHAHAH!! Who's got the stupid hair now??" yelled Peter. Rupert immediately started sobbing again as he felt his smouldering tresses.

They looked around, both the carmera crews and the directors were unconscious. Only the two boys and the Pensevies were still standing

"Umm, the train's stopped now…" said a small voice. Everyone turned around. It was Lucy, who seemed none the worse from her seizure.

"What about Andrew?" asked Susan anxiously

"What about Andrew?" asked Edmund matter-of-factly." Geesh, everyone knows that directors aren't human and that no amount of battering, shooting or screaming at will affect them, otherwise there'd be no films today!"

"Er...are you sure about th-?"

"Who cares?" Peter interrupted "Let's just get out of here before they all wake up!"

Everyone at this point agreed, and left.

**(Thanks for reading. Sorry, I got off the point a bit in this chapter, but don't worry, Narnia's only in the next chapter! )**


	3. Melvin the Gay faun

**(A.N- I would just like to take this oppotunity to thank merdottie and ****Schmo and Sushi**** for their helpful reveiws I did on the earlier version of this story ( Which I had to delete and re-write for obvious reasons. Thanks!)**

**Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters or original plot-line of Narnia.**

Scene 4. Outside the train platform.

"When exactly are we going?" asked Susan when the third day of waiting had passed. (It seemed as though the studio's budget couldn't afford a pony and trap for them)

"Look there's a car!" yelled Peter suddenly causing Edmund to jump several feet into the road in surprise.

Unfortunately, he didn't manage to back out in time, causing him to hit the windscreen with a smack, his face pressed against the class in a deranged, if not comical fashion.

"What the heck?" cried the driver leaping out, "Oh for gods sake, looks like I'll have to drive you there myself." And so he did so. Very randomly.

WARNING!

_Don't try this at home kids! Getting into a stranger's car is not a good idea, especially if you are acting as it would mean a lot of very tedious searching for the directors if you were abducted suddenly._

Finally the car pulled up at the house or rather, it crashed in to the front door.

Mrs Mcready gave them a few warm words of welcome; "Hello kiddies, welcome to playhouse. Here are the rules: No Running, you will trip and you will die, No shouting, if you yell to loudly the house will fall down and you will die, No eating sweets or your teeth will fall out and you will die. No disturbing the professor- you will definitely die and 4th rule-: no dying. NOW GO PLAY HIDE AND SEEK IN THE DAMN HOUSE!!!"

A stunned silence greeted her words, broken by Edmund's " Umm...why?"

"COS IT'S IN THE SCRIPT!!!!!" she yelled pleasantly.

"Meh, can't argue with that." Peter admitted.

Susan climbs into a wooden box, but decides it's not that good a hiding place.

"HELP I'M STUCK!!!" she cried desperately, but no one heard her, or maybe they did but nobody likes her so no one bothered.

Edmund climbed up the stairs, tripped over a potted plant, banged into a wall, bounced off it, and crashed into a suit of armour.

Right then, Peter suddenly decided to leave this cruel world and jump out of the window. He did so. Luckily, it was only a ground floor window.

Unfortunately, there was a rose bush outside the window, which may have been the reason for his tortured screaming.

Lucy sees the, ummm…weird furniture thingy

"You know, it's strange, but I suddenly have a mad urge to crawl in and explore this weird furniture thingy." said Lucy very suddenly and obscurely.

"Lucy has lots of mad urges." said the narrator. "Why do you think I'm a disembodied voice? Anyway, Lucy opens the door, and crawls in she sees three things, the dark furs and a pair of lederhosen(??) of a furniture thingy, a snowy landscape, and Adolf Hitler who is- WAIT A MINUTE! A snowy landscape in a wardrobe?"

"Erm, could you shut up for a moment, there's no narrator here" snapped Lucy.

"Oh yeah?" sneered the narrator.

"Yeah!" she replied, pointing her mangled teddy bear at the camera.

The Narrator gulped "And from that moment on, the narrator never spoke another word…."

Lucy checked her teddy bear is loaded, by shooting at the wall, (there was a yell from Adolf Hitler at this point) and takes her first step into that snowy wood…

She walks around and right into the random lamppost

"OWW!" cried Lucy, "Why you son of a-"(shoots at lamppost)

But she was not alone, something stirred, and she heard it, then suddenly there was a girlish high pitched-

"AAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHH!!"

Lucy turned around in time to see a strange figure, with fluffy goat legs. A curly pink haired man with devil horns. He had a beard and his name was Melvin. (Though nobody knows this, his first name is never mentioned, he's probably ashamed of it and I can't say I blame him) but anyway…

"Where you hiding from me??" asked Lucy

"Well yeah", muttered the weirdo. "You murdered that poor teddy!" he clapped hands to his face and uttered another high pitched scream.

"Whatever." said Lucy. "What's your name?"

"Mr Tumnus, or Mr T for short." replied the weirdo giggling nervously. "Are you human?"

"Yes," the human replied. "I'm Lucy and by the way, I have a gun."

"How'd you get into Narnia?" asked Mr T curiously

"What in the hell's Narnia?"

"It's the name of the thing we're filming you glockenspiel!"

"Oh yeah..."

"Do you wanna come round mine for a girlie night?" asked Mr T eagerly. "I have Mean Girls on DVD!!"

"Erm, I've always been told not to go off with strange men in the woods..."pointed out Lucy.

"I'm a faun, not a man, and it's a Snowy wood!!"

"Meh, ok," she took his hand and walked off arm-in-arm with him, and they both skipped off merrily and gaily into the woods.

Scene fades out

Scene 5

Mr T's house. It is full of pink ornaments and fluffy cushions. Lucy picks up a portrait.

Lucy: Is this your father?

Mr T: No it's my mother.

Lucy: Oh. She's kinda hairy

"I was being sarcastic you javelin!" snapped the sarcastic faun. "Now sit down and I'll play some music. Do you know the YCMA tune?"

"Nope"

"How bout It's_ Raining men?"_

"Nope"

"Oh for Gods sake!" He knocked her out with a frilly baseball bat.

From far away, there is a "MOOOOOOO!!!!" I mean, "GRRRRRAAAAAAAA!!!!!"

Lucy awoke, and saw herself sitting in an armchair, with Mr T. doing goodness knows WHAT with her handkerchief, but she decided that now would be the perfect time to get out of here and find Hitler.

"Meh, this place is boring," she whispered. "I wanna go back home…"

"No you can't!" cried Mr T.

"Why not?"

"Because I'm kidnapping you and bring you to the White witch duh!"

"What!" she cried , "You're kidnapping me! You said you were my friend!"

"I lied."

This was enough for Lucy, who shot out of her chair and fired her teddy bear; Mr T clutched his hair in terror.

"TAKE ME HOME NOW!!!!"

"Ok." he whimpered piteously.

So, Mr T waddled through the woods, yelling things like-:

"WE MUST BE VERY QUIET!!! IF THE WHITE WITCH KNOWS YOU'RE HERE, SHE WILL KILL YOU!! Quick the trees!!!"

"Eh??"

"I don't know, it just sounds cool to say "the trees!!"

They arrived at the lamppost.

"Lucy," he murmured," I'm so sorry, can you ever forgive me?"

"Nope." she replied.

"Well that's good enough for me! Bye!" He said hurriedly

"Can I have my hanky back?"

"Why yes of course," Mr T smirked "and not a hope in hell!"

Lucy brandished some nutcrackers. The camera turned away and a cracking sound echoed across the wood, followed by a bloodcurdling screech of "OOOOOWWWW!!!!!!" that could have been heard all the way from Cauldron Pool to the Eastern edge of the world.

Lucy ran away manically laughing, but she didn't look where she was going and tripped over a root and falls out of the wardrobe…

"Its alright I'm back!" she cried.

Susan, Peter and Edmund both watched her stumble out.

"Oh dear, she's inherited your "trying on ladies clothes" problem peter…." sighed Susan watching Lucy untangle herself from a pair of lederhosen.

"What "trying on ladies clothes" problem Peter?" asked Edmund suddenly all interested.

"Erm," said Peter suddenly looking mysteriously uncomfortable, "Nothing…."

"Umm…no," said Lucy, "Anyway, Adolf Hitler is in a wardrobe!"

"Really?" cried the two boys and Susan in unison

"Yeah, in a wood! Come and check it out!"

Everyone rushes in to see, but they open wardrobe…

"Lucy the only wood here is the back of the wardrobe. Heheheh, geddit? Wood, wardrobe…" laughed Susan.

Silence...tumbleweed blew across the floor.

"Now Susan," whispered Edmund in a stage whisper, as if he was dealing with a mentally ill person, "This is why you don't say the funny bits…"

"But he was just in there!" cried Lucy miserably.

"I believe you!" yelled Edmund.

"No you don't!"

"Sure I do! Didn't I tell you about when they found Saddam Hussein down a hole?"

"Er! Sudan Hussein WAS down a hole!" Susan pointed out.

"Shut up Ed!" said Peter suddenly angry because of his failed suicide attempt. "You just have to make everything worse don't you! You're-"he paused for a dramatic effect, the camera zoomed to his eyes, "-a _Liar!"_

Edmund gasped in horror. "Well you're...you're" he struggled trying to think of a word that could match his feelings of hurt and pain, before finally yelling-(long pause) "…You're you!"

Edmund ran away in tears from the room…Crashed into the wall, and continued running.

**(A.N. Well I hope you liked it! Stay tuned for more!)**


	4. The Tractor Queen and the Chav

**Disclaimer: I do not own Narnia**

Lucy is in bed, wondering if it had all been a dream, so she decides to try again, she gets out her slippers (hard black-studded boots), and walks towards the wardrobe room

Meanwhile, Edmund comes out of the bathroom and sees Lucy walking toward the room with the weird furniture thingy inside

Lucy opened the door...

"WHAT? NO Adolf Hitler?" she cried in disappointment, "Damn, there's just that magically exciting land inside, Ah well, I'm bored, might as well." She walked in.

Back to Edmund, who is trying to creep along the corridor, muttering "Must try not to wake up the house…" after which he immediately stepped forwards and slipped on a banana peel into a fake lighting system.

He recovered from this, and tiptoed into the room……

"Lucy where are yoooooOOOOOUUUUAAAAHH??!!" he screamed as the wardrobe collapsed on him.

After that embarrassing incident, he tried again: "Lucy, hope you're not afraid of the dark!" He closed the door. "Damn! I forgot that it was me who was … eeep, I'm scared now…"

He blundered around, until he saw a mysterious cold blue light, he reached towards it-

-And found himself in Narnia

Suddenly, a revving sound echoed across the forest, and into view comes a woman wearing a plastic tiara, driving a tractor!!!

Suddenly, out of the tractor, leapt a small Burberry-clad figure. It landed on top of Edmund holding a pen knife to his throat.

"OH MY GOD YOU F(censored)ING MINGER!" yelled the chav, "HOW DARE YOU LIKE, NOT GIVE RESPECT TO HER MAJESTY THE QUEEN OF LIKE NARNIA!!!"

"What?" gasped Edmund, "I didn't know!"

"OH YEAH RIGHT LIKE!" the chav replied digging the penknife into Edmund's throat, "YOU'RE GOIN' DOWN BOY…"

"Wait!" a new voice cut through the air. The knife was loosened, relieved Edmund sat up and looked, it was the woman with the plastic tiara, a playboy wand in one hand,

"What is your name, Son of Adam?"

"Son of Adam?" garbled Edmund confusedly, "I must be Adam Junior then! But I like Edmund," he gave a sickly at her, "but you can call me Eddy." He giggled nervously, "Haw haw haw..."

"Whatever," she replied distractedly, "would you like something to eat?"

"Nope."

"WOULD YOU LIKE SOMETHING TO EAT???" She roared causing the chav's burberry to blow off.

"Eeek" he squealed! "Ok! Erm, to you have any gluten tasting raspberry yogurt flavoured Ice cream?"

"Nope."

"Cake?"

"None here."

"Any chocolate?" he asked hopefully.

"For God's sake!" cried the agitated Queen, "This is not a café you know! You can't just pick what you like and expect to have it! Eat something sweet and magically powerful, Turkish delight or something!"

"Umm, ok, yes please your Majesty."

"Alright then, do you have any cash on you?"

"As a matter of fact, I do!" Edmund muttered suspiciously, "But why?"

"Well I ain't gonna conjure sweets out of thin air boy!" She snapped "Hand it over!"

She snatched a fiver from him and gave it to the chav who ran off to the nearest shop.

5 hours later…

"Here!" a cheap bar of chocolate and Turkish delight was thrust into his hand.

"Umm, thanks." He said, glancing at her hands and noticing a thin band of gold on her index finger. "What's that your Majesty?"

"THE RING OF POWER!!!" her hair whipped around her face as lightning crackled overhead "MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-!!!"

"Sorry to interrupt," he cut across "But wrong movie, you'll be wanting screen seven, down the hallway, turn left..."

-AHAHAH-? Is it?...Ah well I can't be bothered to change films. Meh, how do you like your Turkish delight?"

"I think I'm allergic to-" he glanced down at the ingredients on the "Turkish delight" as swellings grew on his face, "Arse-en-ick powder…"

"How dare you!" she snapped at him wrenching from his hands and throwing it over his shoulder, "I buy you a chocolate bar and that's all you say? Meh, come to my house sometime and bring your brothers and sisters with you, if you have any….I love children, they're so much easier to fit in the oven, I mean, govern…yeah…govern-ment. Well bye darling."

"Yeah P(censored) off you W(censored)!" called the chav pleasantly as the tractor wheeled away.

"Wait!" cried Edmund desperately, "How do I get back home?"

But the queen was already out of sight and earshot, which is probably why Edmund spent 4 long, cold hours trying to find the lamppost, which later had turned out to be right behind him after all. Isn't that nice.

"EDMUND! YOU GOT IN!!" screeched a manic voice, "Edmund turned to see his little sister running towards him, wearing a burglar's mask and carrying a sack labelled "SWAG." She barged into the Son of Adam sending him flying into the lamppost.

"Where have you been?" snapped Edmund rubbing his head grumpily where it had collided with the one cross-bar of the lamp.

"Robbing banks of course!" replied his darling little sister eagerly, "Well, I was going to, until Mr T turned up…So I just trashed his house! And I read his books as well, but I didn't really understand the phrases…Ed?" she turned to him with a puzzled expression, "What's a multiple-?"

Edmund suddenly had a mysterious coughing fit at this point,"Let's get back home Lucy…"

They both stumbled back into England

"Peter! Peter!" Lucy yelled, shaking his shoulders, "Wake up! The house is on fire!!!!"

Peter leapt up revealing that his hair was in pink curlers. "WHAT?" he grabbing her face in panic." SOUND THE ALARM! RAISE THE BANGLES! RING THE HOLY BELLS OF NOTRA DAME!! EAT THE VEGETARIAN CASSAROLE!"

" Umm, I was just kidding…but anyway," she straightened up importantly, "Narnia's in the wardrobe like I told you!!"

"You didn't tell us anything about NarNa Lucy…" Susan pointed out "…We forgot the script!"

Lucy menacingly pointed her teddy bear at Susan murmuring something like "Don't make me use this…"

"You must have been dreaming Lucy…" she muttered quickly.

"You were the one dreaming!" Lucy cried indigiantly, "I heard you moaning abou-"

Susan made a convulsive movement in Lucy's direction and goes red.

"Johnny Depp…" smirked Ed triumphantly.

"Oh shut up…" said Susan still blushing the shade of Peter's curlers.

"But I wasn't dreaming!" she said, changing the subject "This time Edmund went to!!"

Everyone turned to look at him.

"Were you there too, Edmund?" asked Peter slowly.

Edmund however, was still giggling silently at Susan and wasn't listening. After 3 hours of this, he finally lifted his face to see that they were still looking at him.

"Sorry. What are we talking about?" He asked when he thought it was apparent that they weren't going to stop giving him those worrying stares until he said something.

"What were you doing there again, Edmund?"

"Well what d'ya think?" cried Edmund as if they were all being particularly dense. "I was in the bathroom; I undid my dressing gown, got out my unbelievably huge-"

"NO!" They all yelled, their eyes shut as if they were trying to rid themselves of some distressing image, "NO! IN NARNIA!!!!"

"Oh right!" he said finally getting to the point, "Well I just met-

"AHEM!!" coughed Andrew warningly.

"- Definitely did **not **meet the white witch, Empress of the lone islands ect." Finished Edmund.

**(A.N. AS ever, thanks for reading! And if you're from the States, Canada or Australia or just don't know what a chav is, let me explain: Chav is actually an abbreviation of "Council House And Violent". They are the type of British teenager that are usually considered "lower class and proud of it", and are renowned for under-age binge drinking, vandalism, smoking ect and they wear hoodies or Burberrys. No offence to anyone here looks around nervously but that is what they are supposed to be.**


	5. The Professor of Nirvana

**(A.N Thanks to Raven WolfMooon for the helpful reveiws! And in case you're still wondering, I think that Leidenhosen is a type of German pants, or trousers to you English. Thanks again!)**

For a while, Lucy was speechless, probably because she had just remembered where she'd left the cherry bomb that had been set to explode violently in half an hour. However, before she had time to warn Peter about the faint ticking coming from one of his curlers, Andrew had already hissed "Say your line!"

"Meh," thought Lucy, "you never know, it may improve his hair."

"EDMUND PEVENISIE! I AM YOUR FATHER!" Lucy bellowed at him.

"What?? Really??" Edmund garbled, tears of joy glinting in his eyes, "Daddy, where've you been all this time? The amount of sleepless nights I've spent wondering why you weren't at my birthday party and-"

"Other line dammit! Skandar's self-pity is beginning to make me feel nauseas!" Andrew cut in holding his stomach and looking green.

"Oh right!" remembered Lucy, "YOU HORRIBLE SELF-CENTERED PIECE OF MTV!!" She ran up to him, grabbed him in a ninja death-lock, ran over him with a milk-van and threw a couple of Australian sheep farmers at him.

"Don't you just think that the script here is so moving?" muttered a tearful Andrew to the cameraman, who nodded in agreement.

Lucy then stormed out of the room, followed by Peter and Susan, who were feeling left out of this scene, Peter had never gone so long without saying a line in his richly toned voice that brimmed with masculinity and bravery, or so he thought anyway.

_(The story was been postponed for five minutes while the author desperately tried to beat off the furious William Moseley fans.)_

Edmund slowly picked himself off the floor and spat out an Australian hat.

"Why does nobody love me?" he wondered out loud mournfully, wiping his eyes on the milk-van, which in turn blew a load of exhaust fumes in his face.

"Why does everything have to happen to me?"

It was then that Andrews megaphone landed sharply on his head.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Meanwhile…Lucy hurried down the stairs furiously, she would get her revenge on him, oh yes she would, that boy's uncracked spine would not remain so for long, oh yes she would-

It was then that she walked straight in to the last person she expected-Kurt Cobain!

**(A.N The singer of the band "Nirvana")**

"Hey! I thought you committed suicide or something?" asked Lucy quizzically.

"HE DIDN'T! HE WAS MURDERED!" a manic voice called from the hallway.

Lucy and the two Pevensies turned to see what consisted of a load of black and yellow clothing with an electrocuted squirrel plastered to the top running up the stairs. On closer inspection, it turned out that it was an elderly man with shock-style hair wearing a black outfit with the yellow words "NIRVANA" etched on every particle of his clothing. He carried an axe bearing the letters "DIE, COURTNEY, DIE!" and seemed to be head banging along to some songs on his ipod.

"Actually," Susan replied smugly, "his death was ruled suicide by millions of very smart people. So there!"

"THERE WERE NO FINGER MARKS ON THE GUN!" yelled the mad professor hysterically, his knuckles beginning to turn white with the now-lethal grip on his axe."WHY DON'T YOU ANSWER THAT?"

"Look," said Kurt, "why don't you just ask me? I mean, I ought to know how I died after a-"

"SHUT UP!" bellowed Susan and the professor in unison. Kurt burst in to tears and ran from the room wailing.

"Can I ask how you managed to get a dead guy who hasn't been born yet back to life?" asked Peter confusedly.

"I found him in a parallel universe full of goats and playdough!" explained the Professor.

"Umm, yeah, moving away from the subject of playdough …we think Lucy is a crazy psychopath." said Susan innocently

"Hey!"

"Well we do Lucy!" replied Susan earnestly, "Remember that time when you managed to turn an innocent blender into a serial killer?"

Lucy did remember that time, oh yes...she remembered it so well, in fact she was remembering it so well, she walked down to the kitchen, her eyes closed, laughing manically, to the room where the incident had happened….

They watched her step down the stairs, still psychopathically laughing, as she headed down. Susan tried to exchange worried looks with her brother, which failed because seemed to busy admiring his fingernails to notice.

"Should we, umm, try and stop her?"asked Susan sounding slightly worried.

"Only if you want to be the one to go down into a dark kitchen alone with Lucy." replied Peter."Anyway, Professor, we're worried about Lucy, she thinks she's found Adolf Hitler and a magical land-."

"-Big deal! I found him in Lego land once!"sneered the Professor.

"Ummm, yes…but this happened in the upstairs wardrobe!" pointed out Susan.

"So what? I managed to find Middle Earth by forcing myself painfully into a sock drawer!" snapped the Professor. "And that's supposed to be psychically impossible!"

"But we think that she could be crazy! Or lying!" cried Peter

"She should have been a son." commented the mad professor wisely.

Susan and Peter exchanged looks of puzzlement, "But anyway," continued Peter choosing to ignore the madman's last comment "What are we supposed to do?"

"Load up on guns and bring your friends, its fun to lose and to pretend!" replied the Professor sagely.

"What the-??"

"WITH THE LIGHTS OUT IT'S LESS DANGEROUS! HERE WE ARE NOW, ENTERTAIN US!" screeched the professor madly, swinging his axe dangerously close to Peter's precious curlers, who sreamed and patted his hair anxiously down.

"Umm, we'll just go now…" Susan muttered quickly, trying to drag Peter away.

"Polly wants a cracker?" asked the Professor.

"Err, bye!" cried Peter.

"Come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be…"

Peter slammed the door. (Prehaps a bit too hard, it came off the hinges and managed to knock Susan head off, but the CG animators manged to fix it on so it was almost on the right way round.) And the ceiling fell down. No it didn't. The author was just trying to add some tension there.(And she thinks that she's just failed and is now crying mushrooms.) But anyway, Peter was pretty annoyed, he had a great hatred of Nirvana and other great bands like that, and he absolutely loathed axes that had the name "COURTNEY" etched on it. And now Susan had collapsed most painfully on his toe and had managed to get blood on his pjamas.

"Can my life get any worse?" sighed Peter.

Right on cue, his head was blown off by the sudden mysterious explosion from one of his curlers. And the moral of this story is "Don't get your head blown off by your own curlers." It's just plain embarrassing for one thing.

**(A.N. ****A****s always, please review! Thanks for reading!)**


End file.
